January 22, 2011

Contentment, home.
What I went to thinking of as a weekend to say "good-bye" became a lovely weekend of seeing people I love, laughing a LOT, smiling more than I had expected. From the pain of family lost to the pain of driving away and knowing that I purposely have not planned a trip back for a while, it hurt like hell. Don't get me wrong. But there is always, ALWAYS, as Leonard Cohen taught us, a crack in everything. "There is a crack - a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

This is Brenton, my... person. And this is his darling little half brother Kendal, who is a doll although dangerously nearing those terrible Twos. Brenton is so. good. with Kendal. It's amazing to watch, especially considering he was raised an only child. Even knowing how good he is with kids in general from having been his boss at the Y (hahahaha I was, indeed, his boss, and then he mine) and seeing him with swim lessons, etc, I was and still am amazed to watch how he is with this little boy. I find myself learning from their interactions, especially how well Brenton guides and teaches and then - here is my "baby Achilles's Heel" - lets him fall, learn, try and grow all on his own. Where I am jumpy and nervous and trying to hold him up on the side of the pool, Brenton lets him try pulling himself out on his own (with my heart pounding in the background, covering my eyes) and the first time, he gets water on his face and sputters a little (nervous sob from me) and then, lo and behold, he pulls himself out. I think it is something all parents and maternally-driven-women-(and-men), and well, most people in general, really struggle with... how do we let go? When is the moment to do so? Why is it so damn necessary to let go when it doesn't feel good and it's scary and you can't be 100% sure the results will be ideal? What I have learned from watching Brenton and Kendal, what I have learned from this past year, is that while it is not always favorable, it almost always necessary, at some point, to let go. Every once in a while, you sink, or get splashed, or struggle even more. However once you can let go, and truly, truly release that desperation to cling and control, the rush is exhilarating. And whether or not you end up where you thought you would, you always end up getting to that moment where you pull yourself onto the edge of the pool... or, if all else fails, you learn to swim.